where for art thou, fairy godmother?

Where, oh where, has Summer gone?
Today in Portland it felt like it could have been October- rainy, chilly, and dark- it was strangely comforting yet scary as well.
Only a few weeks left until September! This summer has been a blur.

It's been about 6 weeks since we've returned from our trip to Hawaii. The only thing I have to show for it is six new teeth in Uma's mouth. I kinda thought that by this time, I'd have a little more figured out about my next step. I figured I'd have a bit of relaxation and then a star burst of clarity would dawn in me and I would know exactly what to do in the Fall. Silly.

Autumn is always ironically a time of new beginnings- the new school year.
For the first few decades of life this means new clothes, new friends, new crushes, etc.
Being a teacher this cycle continued- new kids, new curriculum, new new new.....
So here I am with Autumn at my doorstep, with no idea what September will hold.
A blank slate, filled with possibilities.

Honestly, it's only been the last ten days or so that I feel like I've gotten any rest at all.
I've just gotten back to my normal self and GOD I love just feeling like myself.
It's pretty hard to know what you're doing with your life when all you want is a full night's rest. But now, some cobwebs have cleared, enough for me to see that in fact there is a path in front of me, even if I have no idea where it is heading.

As far as a direction goes, I'm probably more befuddled than anything else.

I knew that quitting my job was the right move at the right time, but I have had no idea which way to go now. At the time, I knew in my hearts of hearts that I needed balance.
Balancing being with Uma, being with myself and being with others.
Balancing self care with care of others.
Balancing work with play, sweat with inspiration.
I craved to integrate all of the aspects of myself into my next vocation.
I wanted to bring the parts of me who I was before I was a teacher- reclaiming the qualities of the mystic travelling free spirit back into my repertoire.

There have been many times in my life that I have felt movement, but the destination wasn't clear. These times call for great faith and patience.

There are times in life when you don't know what to do, so you don't know what to do. When you do know, you do it.
That's my philosophy. Right now, I'm obviously in the first camp. The good news is that almost everyone I know is feeling the same way, feeling a bit lost in the woods without a flashlight.

Nevertheless, I keep waiting for someone to tell me what to do- a sign, a fairy godmother, or a fantastic parade of synchronicities that will point the way. I thought for a second that perhaps the perfect self-help book would do the trick. Always looking for something outside myself that will make me feel safe choosing. In the past I would look to the Tarot or pull out my pendulum (perhaps that wouldn't be such a bad idea).

I think part of my struggle is the fear that saying "yes" to one option is somehow saying "no" to all the others.

I want to say YES to EVERYTHING!!!!

Right now, a plethora of options beckon me. I have grand plans, little ideas, survival schemes, and travel bugs. I could start my own business (I have some pretty amazing inspirations), get training for a new skill (Montessori or Waldorf?), or go to Mexico and learn Spanish for a year....

Truth is, I do, in my hearts of hearts, believe that are truly no BIG decisions out there.
I think that its the small choices we make that dictate our life's path.
It's when we decide to leave the house in the morning, and the person we may happen to bump into that might tell us some some clue.
It's running late, catching the wrong bus, and finding your soul mate.

I'm praying that all my small little choices these days start pointing to something wonderful.
I'm going to try to be patient.
In the meantime, Uma and I are going to enjoy life.
We're gonna SLEEP, eat, see friends, dance, take long walks, do crafts, and perhaps win the next Nobel Peace Prize.
Goddess knows my intentions are good.