master boob cleanse

Today I woke up, grumpy from a perpetual lack of sleep, and decided something had to be done to get the weaning process underway. It totally freaks me out. I have loved loved loved breastfeeding Uma, yet it's high time for some changes. The last month or so has been the saga of the incisors (still not rearing their heads yet) which has made our nighttime anything but restful. I swear the Kucera gums are made of steel. Few other parents I know have endured the type of drama that sweet Uma has delivered with these precious pearls.

Although she's been night weaned since August, she wakes throughout the night when teething or sick. Since August, we've had about two good weeks of her sleeping "through the night" and waking at a sane hour (i.e. when the sun is up). Otherwise, it's been waking up several times a night, and then like clockwork crying dramatically at 5am for milk.

It's been a huge internal battle for me what to do at this early hour. I've tryed everything. In my heart, I wish I could wake gracefully at that hour and start our day. Recently, I've thrown the towel in and have just nursed her even though it is hardly daytime (originally, the night weaning mantra was "sunshine nookies"). Then we flop on the couch while she watches Sesame Street and I pull a blanket over my head and try desperately to sleep. It's pathetic at best.

So today, I stated once again that I thought I was gonna lose my mind if things didn't change soon. Sleeping together is so sweet, as is breastfeeding, but I am starting to go bonkers as I feel my chi is draining out of my boobs, with rarely more than 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep under my belt.

This all breaks my heart. I feel like anything I do will cause me heartbreak. If we continue our rhythm, waiting for the teething mayhem to subside, I might go nutters. Yet the thought of weaning makes me ill. I know ultimately this will be a lot harder on me than on Uma.

Today, she nursed all through our "family dance class" but when we got home I put her down to nap with no boob. It wasn't pretty. She awoke after an hour or so and after crying a bit, miraculously went down again with no nookies.

I guess we're starting. Twenty two months of nursing, about 650 days of nursing at least a dozen times a day. The end of an era.

This truly feels like grief. My heart is heavy. I have so loved her been my little baby, and she has relished in nursing. Just thinking of the way her beautiful face looks when she nurses breaks my heart. I have been so ready to get my body and freedom back, but it feel so damn remorseful to stop nursing. The whole parenthood deal is so ridden with conundrums.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't...

Some say the best way to wean is to separate for several days, but this makes me feel heavy with guilt. Perhaps it's my own abandonment issues, but the thought of Uma thinking I've left her absolutely kills me. Others I've know have used cayenne, and today Shannon suggested using lemon on the old teats to deter her. I could just do both and add a splash of maple syrup for the master boob cleanse. Ha.