desperately seeking oxytocin

It's been a little over a week since Uma has been fully weaned. It was not easy for her, but I have to attest that it's been much harder for me. I just did a bit of research, and it seems what I'm feeling is "normal" but I also think I'm feeling categorically depressed. I guess the shift in hormones are pretty drastic for us weaning mamas, and many feel the same symptoms. It's comforting to know this, but I still feel like shit. I was lucky enough to escape post-partum depression, but post- weaning sure does suck (ha).

The first few days, I felt super sad ending the long era of our nursing relationship. I missed seeing her little face nursing, my little baby happily suckling. Then I started to feel extremely light-headed and got some headaches, which was weird- but then depression hit me like a ton of bricks. I was in my dance class (my first without Uma in a long time) and just started bawling over the loss of my mother. Missing the love that only a mother can give. I am no stranger to these feelings of abandonment and aloneness, yet they visit me abruptly with no warning like an uninvited guest. Making them leave is no small task.

I felt like a huge wound opened in my heart, and I still haven't quite figured out how to mend it. Now I feel like I'm able to cry at the drop of a hat. My heart just feels heavy, in a very visceral way. I feel raw, open, misunderstood, and overall poopy. It reminiscent of the mood swings and darkness I felt as a teenager, just wanting to curl up into a ball and sleep for days. Unfortunately, this is impossible. I'm still working on how to just get a good seven hours of sleep.

I know this, like everything else, is just a phase but it frightens me to feel so blue. I look at Uma and I see that beauty and love are alive in the universe, but when she's pitching a fit, I just want to join in. The winter doesn't help either, my mind keeps racing wondering where I can go to feel better. I know that wherever I go, I'll take my hormones with me but it sure sounds nice to escape.

master boob cleanse

Today I woke up, grumpy from a perpetual lack of sleep, and decided something had to be done to get the weaning process underway. It totally freaks me out. I have loved loved loved breastfeeding Uma, yet it's high time for some changes. The last month or so has been the saga of the incisors (still not rearing their heads yet) which has made our nighttime anything but restful. I swear the Kucera gums are made of steel. Few other parents I know have endured the type of drama that sweet Uma has delivered with these precious pearls.

Although she's been night weaned since August, she wakes throughout the night when teething or sick. Since August, we've had about two good weeks of her sleeping "through the night" and waking at a sane hour (i.e. when the sun is up). Otherwise, it's been waking up several times a night, and then like clockwork crying dramatically at 5am for milk.

It's been a huge internal battle for me what to do at this early hour. I've tryed everything. In my heart, I wish I could wake gracefully at that hour and start our day. Recently, I've thrown the towel in and have just nursed her even though it is hardly daytime (originally, the night weaning mantra was "sunshine nookies"). Then we flop on the couch while she watches Sesame Street and I pull a blanket over my head and try desperately to sleep. It's pathetic at best.

So today, I stated once again that I thought I was gonna lose my mind if things didn't change soon. Sleeping together is so sweet, as is breastfeeding, but I am starting to go bonkers as I feel my chi is draining out of my boobs, with rarely more than 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep under my belt.

This all breaks my heart. I feel like anything I do will cause me heartbreak. If we continue our rhythm, waiting for the teething mayhem to subside, I might go nutters. Yet the thought of weaning makes me ill. I know ultimately this will be a lot harder on me than on Uma.

Today, she nursed all through our "family dance class" but when we got home I put her down to nap with no boob. It wasn't pretty. She awoke after an hour or so and after crying a bit, miraculously went down again with no nookies.

I guess we're starting. Twenty two months of nursing, about 650 days of nursing at least a dozen times a day. The end of an era.

This truly feels like grief. My heart is heavy. I have so loved her been my little baby, and she has relished in nursing. Just thinking of the way her beautiful face looks when she nurses breaks my heart. I have been so ready to get my body and freedom back, but it feel so damn remorseful to stop nursing. The whole parenthood deal is so ridden with conundrums.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't...

Some say the best way to wean is to separate for several days, but this makes me feel heavy with guilt. Perhaps it's my own abandonment issues, but the thought of Uma thinking I've left her absolutely kills me. Others I've know have used cayenne, and today Shannon suggested using lemon on the old teats to deter her. I could just do both and add a splash of maple syrup for the master boob cleanse. Ha.