desperately seeking oxytocin

It's been a little over a week since Uma has been fully weaned. It was not easy for her, but I have to attest that it's been much harder for me. I just did a bit of research, and it seems what I'm feeling is "normal" but I also think I'm feeling categorically depressed. I guess the shift in hormones are pretty drastic for us weaning mamas, and many feel the same symptoms. It's comforting to know this, but I still feel like shit. I was lucky enough to escape post-partum depression, but post- weaning sure does suck (ha).

The first few days, I felt super sad ending the long era of our nursing relationship. I missed seeing her little face nursing, my little baby happily suckling. Then I started to feel extremely light-headed and got some headaches, which was weird- but then depression hit me like a ton of bricks. I was in my dance class (my first without Uma in a long time) and just started bawling over the loss of my mother. Missing the love that only a mother can give. I am no stranger to these feelings of abandonment and aloneness, yet they visit me abruptly with no warning like an uninvited guest. Making them leave is no small task.

I felt like a huge wound opened in my heart, and I still haven't quite figured out how to mend it. Now I feel like I'm able to cry at the drop of a hat. My heart just feels heavy, in a very visceral way. I feel raw, open, misunderstood, and overall poopy. It reminiscent of the mood swings and darkness I felt as a teenager, just wanting to curl up into a ball and sleep for days. Unfortunately, this is impossible. I'm still working on how to just get a good seven hours of sleep.

I know this, like everything else, is just a phase but it frightens me to feel so blue. I look at Uma and I see that beauty and love are alive in the universe, but when she's pitching a fit, I just want to join in. The winter doesn't help either, my mind keeps racing wondering where I can go to feel better. I know that wherever I go, I'll take my hormones with me but it sure sounds nice to escape.

master boob cleanse

Today I woke up, grumpy from a perpetual lack of sleep, and decided something had to be done to get the weaning process underway. It totally freaks me out. I have loved loved loved breastfeeding Uma, yet it's high time for some changes. The last month or so has been the saga of the incisors (still not rearing their heads yet) which has made our nighttime anything but restful. I swear the Kucera gums are made of steel. Few other parents I know have endured the type of drama that sweet Uma has delivered with these precious pearls.

Although she's been night weaned since August, she wakes throughout the night when teething or sick. Since August, we've had about two good weeks of her sleeping "through the night" and waking at a sane hour (i.e. when the sun is up). Otherwise, it's been waking up several times a night, and then like clockwork crying dramatically at 5am for milk.

It's been a huge internal battle for me what to do at this early hour. I've tryed everything. In my heart, I wish I could wake gracefully at that hour and start our day. Recently, I've thrown the towel in and have just nursed her even though it is hardly daytime (originally, the night weaning mantra was "sunshine nookies"). Then we flop on the couch while she watches Sesame Street and I pull a blanket over my head and try desperately to sleep. It's pathetic at best.

So today, I stated once again that I thought I was gonna lose my mind if things didn't change soon. Sleeping together is so sweet, as is breastfeeding, but I am starting to go bonkers as I feel my chi is draining out of my boobs, with rarely more than 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep under my belt.

This all breaks my heart. I feel like anything I do will cause me heartbreak. If we continue our rhythm, waiting for the teething mayhem to subside, I might go nutters. Yet the thought of weaning makes me ill. I know ultimately this will be a lot harder on me than on Uma.

Today, she nursed all through our "family dance class" but when we got home I put her down to nap with no boob. It wasn't pretty. She awoke after an hour or so and after crying a bit, miraculously went down again with no nookies.

I guess we're starting. Twenty two months of nursing, about 650 days of nursing at least a dozen times a day. The end of an era.

This truly feels like grief. My heart is heavy. I have so loved her been my little baby, and she has relished in nursing. Just thinking of the way her beautiful face looks when she nurses breaks my heart. I have been so ready to get my body and freedom back, but it feel so damn remorseful to stop nursing. The whole parenthood deal is so ridden with conundrums.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't...

Some say the best way to wean is to separate for several days, but this makes me feel heavy with guilt. Perhaps it's my own abandonment issues, but the thought of Uma thinking I've left her absolutely kills me. Others I've know have used cayenne, and today Shannon suggested using lemon on the old teats to deter her. I could just do both and add a splash of maple syrup for the master boob cleanse. Ha.

here we are again

Everything is temporary. This is my mantra. I find myself saying it over and over throughout the day. It's an affirmation I tell myself, but also the way I try to keep it light with others.
"How are you doing? "
"Okay"
"Not good? ?"
How we all all so used to everyone just compliantly saying they're good.
"I'm good, I'm good"
What a load of crap.
"Everything is temporary"

Actually, why I haven't written in a while is because things have been lovely. I finally have felt like I've found a balance- got the baby swap going, doing yoga, sleeping somewhat normally, enjoying the change of the seasons, and Uma's cough was finally subsiding (after 6 weeks!)
And then
THOSE F'ING TEETH HAVE TO REAR THEIR UGLY FACE AGAIN!
Why why why???
I don't understand why we're created like this! Is our god/goddess testing our human capacity?

I know it sounds dramatic, but this shit is intense!
I always heard that the breaking of the incisors was the worst but I always just thought folks hadn't already seen the suffering we're already endured. Damn! It's like poor Uma is being tortured slowly...and we all know that slepp deprivation is a form of torture itself.

She started by waking up at 5am then scientifically, every night an hour earlier. Last night, my head just touched the pillow and she was up. When she's up, the girl is UP and she is shaking, hysterical, and feverish.

Next to my bedside I have Hylands homeopathic teething tab, Chamomile homepatics, Gummomile with clove, Calm forte homeopathic, rescue remedy,Tylenol, Motrin, Kanka- teething gel from Mexico, and good ol Orajel. I also have a host of pacifiers, teething rings, wet cloths, juice, etc
Tonight, Iwas seriously considering rubbing her gums with Whiskey, but read more about it on the web an reconsidered.
The best thing I read said that the Whiskey is really for the mama....

She chomps the teething tabs like candy, but she will not let me touch her ums to save her life.
It feels downright abusive to hold her down and cinch open her jaws.
She's like a wild animal.

We usually bring Uma downstairs in wild moments, sit her in front of Elmo or her signing dVds and she will mellow.
Last night I sat with her in bed for 4 hours and looked at old pictures of her. We tryed to watch Elmo on YouTube but our internet connection was so bad that it took 30 minutes to load a 3 minute song of Elmo singing with Andrea Bocelli. I was so desperate that we would just watch the first 15 seconds, go back and watch the first 30 seconds, etc until the whole thing loaded. We probably watched it over a dozen times.
I'll paste it here so you can see how I spend my nights. It's actually rather sweet.

when it rains....

These last to weeks have a downpour of maladies. First there was my back and neck injury. Then I got a wild hair up my ass and I went to Bishops and got a bob (not a man, but a hairdo). I don't know what I was thinking.
Shortly after that, Uma and I went camping with some friends and I decided not to take my contacts out at night (dirty hands, no mirror or light) and I awoke to a nasty eye infection. After having a poor British girl drive my car home (on the wrong side of the street), I went to the Emergency room.
I looked like a celebrity afraid of being spotted- sunglasses, hat, downward cast eyes. I don't think I really smelled like a celebrity though.
The doc asked me on a scale of 1-10 what the pain was and I felt real comfortable saying a good 8.5, now that I've given labor. I spent two days living like veal to help my eyes heal and Uma was a great sport. My eyes healed but then I had a bob and glasses and I felt like such a Mom. My friends told me "no" but they always lie. First a Bob, then glasses, I had such an identity crisis.
But that was nothing to the next fun adventure-I took Uma to the Urgent Care the day after I emerged from the veal crate because she had a nasty cough that made her choke and quiver. We got antibiotics (which is what you get any time you go to Urgent Care) and they did nothing to help her at all.
I then went into hysterics thinking she had the WHOOPING COUGH, shitting my pants reading about all the worse case scenarios on the web. Note to all- do not look on the Internet trying to diagnose your loved ones. I called her naturopath and her pediatrician when the holiday weekend was over and the doc said it sounded like Walking Pneumonia. You can imagine how freaked out I was when Walking Pneumonia as a diagnosis actually relieved me.

More antibiotics and then tons of homeopathic cough expectorant, Emergen-C, Echinachea, Fish Oil, Probiotics, and pints of yogurt and she's still coughing a week later.
Oh yeah, and I was laid out with something fluish for two days on my ass, shooting pains in my ears, etc in the interim....I'm fine now.
They say it could be a few months until she stops coughing.
AY-CURAMBA!! It's so sad to see her- she's absolutely fine - her babbling dancing self until she coughs. She chokes and gasps and pukes........it's really horrible.
I'm going back tomorrow and demanding that they do blood tests to make sure she's okay.
My little muffin.
It's crazy to think that my ex-co-teachers these last few weeks have been gearing up for school. First day back for them all is tomorrow!!! If I had gone back this year, I would be such a mess already. Who knows if this all would have been happening as well, I don't pretend to understand the hands of fate. Of course, my new hairdo does look quite schoolish with my glasses.....

vampire bunny

I woke up a couple of mornings ago and felt like an elephant had stomped on my neck and back. I could hardly roll over on my side or up to sitting. Uma, in her usual style, started pouncing on me in her Tiggerish way, trying to nurse.
I thought I was going to die.
That's a bit of an exaggeration, but it hurt enough and felt scary enough for me to ask for help right away. There was a moment of clarity that dawned that this nursing business is starting to really overextend this little body of mine.

It's been eighteen months of breastfeeding about twenty times a day (thats a fair average). Hmm, that's about 11,000 nursings AT LEAST. Now that she's about 27 pounds and quite squirmy, it's a bit extreme, this nursing business. In fact, I consider myself an extreme breast feeder. I've fed that girl in the most diverse of environments, juggling 101 other things, all while being somewhat discreet. I nurse while dancing in dance class, while grocery shopping, on the beach with her covered in sand, in the library, in my classroom filled with kids, at weddings and funerals, pretty much anywhere.

So, I've been feeding like someone in a Dr. Suess book...
(in a tree, on my knee,
at the shop, doing the lindyhop)
Plus all the toting ( and it's a lot of toting) and times twisting in and out of the car seat, I'm actually pretty damn lucky that I've been in good shape until now.

Thankfully, I live with two body workers, who both put their hands on me after I woke up in shock. Later in the day I had two other friends do their healing style on me as well. Each person totally helped me in their unique way, but the next morning I still felt like I was hit by a Mack Truck.

I decided to put an emergency call into my friend's office that has massage, acupuncture, and chiropractry. Thank God they said they could fit me in that day, and luckily I was able to find someone to watch the little muffin while I got worked on. It was incredible. I received a deep massage, some very well placed and intense needles, and each vertebrae was cracked back into place. It was clear I needed the work. The doc said he could see how much I've been drained from nursing and that it was probably time to stop.

I was actually very relieved to hear some confirmation on this. I have felt drained. I sometimes call Uma the Vampire Bunny because she's so damn cute but she sucks the life out of me.
I imagine the first thing is to do is just start cutting back the amount of feedings. After the night weaning, our daytimes have been nonstop marathon feedings."NUK NUK NUK NUK NUK" all day long. She has teeth breaking left and right, and it feels at bit wrong to wean as it's the only thing that makes her feel okay.
Ahh, the quandaries of mamahood.

where for art thou, fairy godmother?

Where, oh where, has Summer gone?
Today in Portland it felt like it could have been October- rainy, chilly, and dark- it was strangely comforting yet scary as well.
Only a few weeks left until September! This summer has been a blur.

It's been about 6 weeks since we've returned from our trip to Hawaii. The only thing I have to show for it is six new teeth in Uma's mouth. I kinda thought that by this time, I'd have a little more figured out about my next step. I figured I'd have a bit of relaxation and then a star burst of clarity would dawn in me and I would know exactly what to do in the Fall. Silly.

Autumn is always ironically a time of new beginnings- the new school year.
For the first few decades of life this means new clothes, new friends, new crushes, etc.
Being a teacher this cycle continued- new kids, new curriculum, new new new.....
So here I am with Autumn at my doorstep, with no idea what September will hold.
A blank slate, filled with possibilities.

Honestly, it's only been the last ten days or so that I feel like I've gotten any rest at all.
I've just gotten back to my normal self and GOD I love just feeling like myself.
It's pretty hard to know what you're doing with your life when all you want is a full night's rest. But now, some cobwebs have cleared, enough for me to see that in fact there is a path in front of me, even if I have no idea where it is heading.

As far as a direction goes, I'm probably more befuddled than anything else.

I knew that quitting my job was the right move at the right time, but I have had no idea which way to go now. At the time, I knew in my hearts of hearts that I needed balance.
Balancing being with Uma, being with myself and being with others.
Balancing self care with care of others.
Balancing work with play, sweat with inspiration.
I craved to integrate all of the aspects of myself into my next vocation.
I wanted to bring the parts of me who I was before I was a teacher- reclaiming the qualities of the mystic travelling free spirit back into my repertoire.

There have been many times in my life that I have felt movement, but the destination wasn't clear. These times call for great faith and patience.

There are times in life when you don't know what to do, so you don't know what to do. When you do know, you do it.
That's my philosophy. Right now, I'm obviously in the first camp. The good news is that almost everyone I know is feeling the same way, feeling a bit lost in the woods without a flashlight.

Nevertheless, I keep waiting for someone to tell me what to do- a sign, a fairy godmother, or a fantastic parade of synchronicities that will point the way. I thought for a second that perhaps the perfect self-help book would do the trick. Always looking for something outside myself that will make me feel safe choosing. In the past I would look to the Tarot or pull out my pendulum (perhaps that wouldn't be such a bad idea).

I think part of my struggle is the fear that saying "yes" to one option is somehow saying "no" to all the others.

I want to say YES to EVERYTHING!!!!

Right now, a plethora of options beckon me. I have grand plans, little ideas, survival schemes, and travel bugs. I could start my own business (I have some pretty amazing inspirations), get training for a new skill (Montessori or Waldorf?), or go to Mexico and learn Spanish for a year....

Truth is, I do, in my hearts of hearts, believe that are truly no BIG decisions out there.
I think that its the small choices we make that dictate our life's path.
It's when we decide to leave the house in the morning, and the person we may happen to bump into that might tell us some some clue.
It's running late, catching the wrong bus, and finding your soul mate.

I'm praying that all my small little choices these days start pointing to something wonderful.
I'm going to try to be patient.
In the meantime, Uma and I are going to enjoy life.
We're gonna SLEEP, eat, see friends, dance, take long walks, do crafts, and perhaps win the next Nobel Peace Prize.
Goddess knows my intentions are good.

success!!

It's been about five or six nights now since we've started the night weaning process.
It's been incredibly smooth considering what a warrior princess Uma is. She's down to waking about twice and just snuggling up and falling back to sleep. She knows now that the boob is not open for business until the sun comes up and we're both sleeping a lot better now.
"Mee Mees went night night. Sunshine Mee Mees"
She gets it.
Now that we're not nursing at night, our daytime is now one big milking fest. Originally, I said that I'm totally happy to nurse in the day as long as i get my sleep but I'm starting to wonder where the summer has gone and I realize that it's been pretty much been spent breastfeeding.
"So, what did you do this summer?".... "I breastfed".
It's pretty ironic that I have been a huge cow goddess fan for over a decade. I've honored and loved all of the cow goddesses around the world- Hathor, Isis, Kamadhenu, Hera, Boann...
I even went to India specifically to be in the land where the cow is holy.
I've loved discovering different goddesses around the world that are praised in the form of the cow and this has been a passion of mine for years. I actually want to write a book about the topic one day. To put it briefly, the cow goddess is celebrated in cultures that honor the life-giving and sacrificial gifts of the bountiful Mother. This is a topic I've been researching for years and now here I am, embodying the spirit of the archetypal cow.
Moo.
Needless to say, I feel that the whole thing needs to subside here one of these days. Unfortunately, I don't think Uma's going to lose interest any time soon. They say to "don't offer, don't refuse" when starting to wean. They also say to be sure to not get into any positions that are familiar feeding positions. Trouble is, just about every position reminds Uma of feeding. She could be upside down in lotus position and still feel comfortable nursing. But, we'll cross that river soon enough. I've heard from many Mama friends that the hormones released when weaning are hella intense. It's not a pretty picture for baby or Mama apparently. A dental assistant once told me that hormones are bigger than God. I have to agree.
For now, I'm gonna rest up and gather strength for that next milestone.
Hopefully I won't have to resort to Tabasco sauce.

night one!

Last night was Uma's first night sleeping with me without the boob. She's no dummy, and has felt this coming for some time. The last few weeks, she's been totally unwilling to detach from me all night long as she is teething. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, ALL NIGHT LONG.
To her defense, she has broken 3 molars in the last few weeks as well as a few of her front teeth. These have been a LONG time coming.
I mean looooooooonggggggggg.
When I have unlatched, she lets out the fury of the homeland security. It wasn't pretty at all. But last night, after one night sleeping with Shanny, she seemed to know something was up, but her tantrum only lasted about fifteen minutes each of the two times she awoke searching for her favorite snack. That's nothing in Umaville!!!!
It was remarkable, really.
If I would have tape-recorded the wailings, it would have sounded like a demon child screaming "MAMA! MAMA!! MAMA!!! "
Arching her back, biting my shirt, kicking her legs- she'd make many a protester proud.
But I just laid there, trying not to feed into it, or make it better as that really only makes it worse.
And then she would collapse in utter exhaustion.
My little angel.
I don't expect tonight to be as easy.
Usually, just when she starts to get comfortable with a new routine (that she doesn't like),
she will acquiesce after the initial storm, and then light up the ammunition once again.
Hopefully, my little warrior will surrender......

night weaning sucks

Last night, my angelic housemate, Shannon, treated me to a night in a hotel by MYSELF. It was my first night away from Uma in the 18 months we're been together (actually I guess 27 months counting my pregnancy. It was an incredible gift, one that I needed desperately to get a full nights sleep, however it frightened me and saddened me too.
I knew that Uma is more than safe with Shannon but I felt that emmense guilt that is a byproduct of mamahood. I didn't really know what to do with myself so I took myself out to a movie, got a huge tub of buttered popcorn and saw a flick about Jane Austen. I was a ball of tears throughout the preview- each one had a theme about mothers and chlidren being separated and reunited etc. The movie itself was tear-jerker and I felt quite cleansed by the end, although sick from too much popcorn. Ironically, back at the hotel I was across from some crazy girls in their twenties partying it up all night. Still, I got more sleep than I had in months.
Shannon and Uma did wonderfully. Uma did amazing all night, just a little peep here and there.
Shannon seemed to have had a better time than I did.
So tonight, after swimming and dancing the night away to a Zimbabwean band, I tried to put her down to sleep without falling asleep on the boob. Interestingly, my metaphor for breastfeeding toddlers in the night is that it's like they have a tub of hot buttered popcorn next to them at all times. They don't need to eat it, but if iyou woke up to a tub of popcorn, what would you do?
We've been co-sleeping and breastfeeding from day one of her existence, so a deep groove has been created in her psyche that this is what she does. I love sleeping in bed with her,and I still love nursing her, but at night it just *has* to stop.
I need to stop being a zombie in the daytime, I desperately want to be a fully functioning human again.
Uma was not happy about this change in course, needless to say. She was biting at my shirt, screaming, and hitting me. She seemed to be okay if she climbed on top of me, but she would not let me sneak out. I tried about half a dozen times.
Finally, she was so exhausted that she drifted into dreamland.
We'll see how the rest of the night goes.
At least I have some sleep to back me up.

the truth

Being a Mama is not for the weak of heart.
It is a total ass-kicker!
I am in awe of the fact that all Mamas around the world endure these years (and I've only just begun!) and that no one ever really talks about how incredibly challenging it is to sacrifice everything, love with no boundaries, have your patience tested mercilessly, and with NO SLEEP!!!
Women fucking rock.
Damn, I knew it would be hard, but I had no idea how utterly drained I would be- totally exhausted, in love, and almost always in a philosophical quandary about how to raise a child with absolute love without raising a brat. Wondering how I can care for her completely and take care of myself too...
Real tired. Did I mention that I miss sleep terribly?
I don't think I'll be able to write anything intelligent this evening, but I did want to get a start on this here new blog. I decided to start a new blog because my existing blog is really about my daughter and not really about me. Family and friends check it to see how incredibly gorgeous Uma is and to see what milestones she's reaching, etc. I don't think they are very interested in hearing me kvetch or curse or all of the things I would do if I was truly being honest and keeping it real.
So here it is, my attempt at keeping it real.
Tomorrow if I get enough sleep, I'll write about the pleasures of toddlers teething and why co-sleeping while teething is a really bad idea if you enjoy REM.